Things On My Mind…
I am having one of those nights where i just sit back and reflect on everything. I have a pretty huge hold on my past and it does not help when i have a wall full of memories right in front of me (Pictures) The main thing that is really getting to me is my weight. What pisses me off even more is when people say ”don’t moan just loose it” like it’s easy to drop weight it seems easy you know just work out but no it’s really beyond that it becomes emotional and mentally a challenge.
I wish i was a type of person that could eat as much as they like and stay slim, but unfortunately god chose me to fight for what i want and made life pretty un easy for me however i need to fight my fear and just do what’s good for me.
Isit weird that i have been told a few personal things that could affect me long term and i still don’t really care i mean it’s my health and some would do something asap and stick to it but my personality i always say something and not do it like i can say ”i will loose weight” stick to it like for a week and stop it’s so annoying. The biggest pain was when i actually stuck to my diet and it lasted for 3 months and u can see a change however in the last few weeks must of gained a few pounds because i just feel like crap and back in that insecure mode.
I do believe i have a problem with my eating and trainers say if you can admit that then that’s a good thing so that makes me realise that i know what i am doing it bad for me but my mind is like always thinking about food. Food has always been such a big then in my life, i mean i come from a Caribbean/Irish family and both cultures love food and eat big, my parents are food lovers also and that don’t really help. For the last years i have really gained the weight so bad and it just makes me feel like why the hell did i do this to myself. Don’t i love myself enough? obviously not because if i did i would want to stay healthy and glamorous instead of big and horrible.
Something i can’t lie about i hate seeing good looking girls that annoys me so much, makes me feel more uglier and i tend to like to be around people who are ugly so it gives me the confidence and good shoulder but i don’t want to live like that any more i want to go out and not care about any body and just have fun instead of thinking who’s laughing at me or chatting about me.
I am a really paranoid person, that don’t help me either, on the positive side i did work out today and it actually felt good had some fruits and drunk loads of water and i do want to stick to it for the last 4 weeks because i know i can shed a few pounds especially when it’s my birthday coming up.
Really and truly my goal was to loose weight before my birthday and i kinda wish i would of stuck to this months ago but i always say this when it’s last moment but i need a right kick up the arse to help me stick to the weight lost. I would love a trainer however it’s too much money and i don’t really earn that type of money to always be paying somebody to help me loose weight as i have bills and other things to take care of so it is a vicious cyle but doing it on my own is getting me no where.
Let’s see if i can stick to my goal 4 weeks from today to at least feel good in myself and let’s see if i can post up a new entry next month with something more positive to say. My diet is very up and down just like my life to be honest but i look around me and i see people being affected with their health and they are no where near the size of what i am and yet they are suffering so it makes me feel like i am taking the piss but i know if i continue to go ahead with my ways something could happen to me and i don’t want that day to come.
I need to pick myself up and stick to my word, and once i have lost my weight in the next 6 months i want to help and achieve others to do the same that would actually mean something to me as i know i can relate to it.
Wish me luck.
